New beginnings

It has been almost 5 years since I last posted on my blog and there are an immeasurable number of reasons I could share about why.  The most obvious reason is that soon after my last post, I joined a human rights organization in Washington, DC to head up their talent acquisition efforts and I began to pour my time, energy, and focus on that.  The job was an amazing blend of my professional experience, my concern for Africa, widows, children, protecting the most vulnerable around the world, as well as my desire to help free people from slavery, human trafficking and other forms of violence.  It also allowed me to align my spirituality with my work in ways I had not been able to do as intentionally before.  Being involved in the work was, and will always be, one of the greatest privileges of my life. After 4 years of leading the organization to bring in talented professionals for the mission, building strong teams and overseeing the hiring over 1000 people in that time, my position was eliminated.  New beginnings.

Once again, I find myself in a season of wide open spaces, freedom, dreaming and adventure.  I can breathe more deeply and feel a sense of wonder and awe about life again.  So much has changed since my last public post, both within my own being and in my external world.  What remains the same though, is my passion for writing, connecting with people, and living with purpose, intention and courage.

So besides time, why else did I stop posting to this blog?  I challenge myself with this question, wanting to get to the truth of the matter, and not stay at the high level reasons.  I remember what my next post would have been in 2012.  I wanted to write about the young man I met on the plane from Nairobi to Kigali, who came and sat next to me after I commented on how much I liked the quote on his shirt.  We spoke about everything from careers to spirituality and our families.  He shared with me the impact of the Rwandan genocide on his own family, and I remember how his eyes quickly scanned the area around our seats to be sure no one could hear him before he continued to disclose about the sensitive topic.  I even got permission from him to write about our encounter that led to a friendship between us.  And yet, I did not write that post.  I became afraid.  I was afraid of sharing too much, of exposing his identity or of saying the wrong thing.  It was too risky, I thought.  So I said nothing.  I kept the rest of the stories of my journey to myself.

In many other ways, I let my voice be silenced.  To this point, my name has not appeared anywhere on this blog.  I have only shared my writing with people who have declared their love and support for me.  I have written an entire manuscript- the story of my life- and I have literally let no one else read it.  Why?

No one is silencing me. I have chosen to be silent.  I have silenced myself.  Fear holds me back.  And the dangerous, deceptive part is that I can convince myself that it is somehow wisdom, or something else just as noble, instead of fear.  The truth is that I am afraid.  I am afraid of being exposed.  I am afraid of being judged.  I am afraid of being criticized, mocked, or worse...pitied! The more I share, the more exposed I am.  Yet the alternative and consequences of silence are far more risky.

My values run deep within me.  I desire to be full of love, integrity, authenticity, courage, freedom and truth.  And though I have moments of absolute greatness, I also fall sadly short on a daily basis.  I am so very human.

As I hand over the responsibilities of leading and working at International Justice Mission, I step into something far more risky which includes pursuing the dreams within my heart and the vision of how I want to live my life.

This post is a step on the path of deeper courage and vulnerability, and a declaration of my willingness to not silence my own voice.  I am thankful for the encouragers around me, whose strength and energy I draw from, and whose faith in me I can feel, even from afar.

Cheers to you, to us, for living life like we mean it.  Let's do this.  It's time.